


but i can’t tell you that i'm breaking slowly

by orphan_account



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, POV Magnus Bane, i stg any shadowhunter tries to start smth?, its on sight!, magnus’ thoughts during the breakfast scene in 3x15
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 17:00:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18211070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Their stares burn like daggers into the back of his skull. He doesn’t speak a word of it.





	but i can’t tell you that i'm breaking slowly

Their stares burn like daggers into the back of his skull. He doesn’t speak a word of it.

 

While the people of this institute were constantly making strides in dealing with their internal prejudice, it was hard to entirely forget something drilled into you from a young age over the course of only a few months. It still manages to seep through in the way they glance back for a second time, or stutter in their steps when they see him stride down hallways beside Alec. It’s as if they’re lying in wait, hesitating until he slipped up so that they could justify their hatred. Anything to reassure themselves that that dark poison hadn’t taken control of their minds like it had for previous generations. That the uneasy feeling in their gut that bloomed when he appeared, vines curling cruelly into their hearts as it took residence, stemmed from something else other than the fact that this man living within their walls was a warlock. He blamed the angel blood coursing through them, it’s call for action against downworlders overpowering their senses.

 

It may have been the reason for their caution, but it would never excuse his history with shadowhunters. It would never excuse them for taking lives of those he loved for no other reason than genetics.

 

The price one had to pay for possessing magic.

 

He was still dealing with this unfamiliar fizz and crackle that tore its way through his body, its presence enough to make him lightheaded as that vacant space was filled again, the energy beating beneath his skin making him feel alive. But it wasn’t his. It laughed in his face as this magic slowly rejected Magnus Bane in every form, given by a man who continued to choose greed over empathy time and time again, had led to Magnus repeatedly getting knocked into the ground to suffer. And even though he would never go back on his decision to save Jace and the countless of lives that would have been taken away by the Owl, eternally thankful he had made it in time to save Alec, every part of him called out for the blue sparks that would dance across his fingertips, comforting and protecting him more than almost anything. It was cooling and electrifying and perfect, and now it was gone. He wanted to be ecstatic that this new magic replaced the empty feeling that came with mundane life, hungry for something more, something missing. He wanted to be happy that he had a warped version of his life back. But with each drop of blood and pinprick into his head he knew with sinking dread that his time would be limited. He would eventually have to deal with that loss once more, and it was terrifying to think that this time he mightn’t be able to handle it.

 

This was his truth. His life. Denied help from his own kind, jilted by everything else, left without a home and only cheap, erroneous magic coursing through his blood that may slowly kill him.

 

Freezing hands slipped into his own beneath the breakfast table, and Magnus was shocked awake.

 

 _Alexander_.

 

His sweet, unrelenting Alexander. The only one who tried to understand just exactly what he was going through, even if he couldn’t. Gentle coaxing to “slow down”, reassurances that “50 years is a lot of time”. For someone who used to have all the time in the world this kind of reality would never be an acceptable concept. Magnus knew it came from love, even when each word made him feel more restless and trapped. Because Alec was trying. But for how long? How long would it be before Alec got tired of the stress that came with this, with _them_? It was easy to think of a better life Alec might have with someone more similar to himself, with more seriousness and less secrets hidden. Someone who wasn’t jaded from life and an unstoppable war raging inside.

 

“You okay?” Alec’s voice was soft and quiet, his body leaning into Magnus’ space ever so slightly. The rasp of it broke Magnus out, the burden of his thoughts making his chest uncomfortable as he fought to hide them away. He noticed the others around their table start up a light conversation, and he appreciated their effort to let them have some privacy. Even if there was easily a hundred people in the dining hall

 

Alec’s hand still held on to his, thumb running gently over knuckles. The cold reminded him of his magic, swirling lovingly over his hands to protect and care for. He wanted to laugh at the sensation, Alec unintentionally serving as a reminder of what he lost, but just as much of what he has. Magnus always marvelled at how gentle these moments of escape managed to be. It was nice. The sunlight, dancing brilliantly in multicoloured beauty through the stained glass window overhead, made Alec’s eyes look unending, capturing light like jewels.

 

He was nice.

 

“Magnus?”

 

He didn’t want to leave him.

 

And he didn’t know how much time he had left before they would be torn from each other. He pressed his lips into a tight smile, glinting up at his boyfriend as calmly as he could, giving the hand he held so dearly a soft squeeze. Alec didn’t have to deal with this. They had to make their time together last longer than memories.

 

“I’m fine, darling.”

 

Alec smiled back at him, adoration in his expression as he bought into Magnus’ strength, eyes darting quickly from eyes to mouth before turning back to his breakfast with a content hum.

 

Maybe Magnus would start to believe it.

**Author's Note:**

> yeehaw fellas hows everyone doin
> 
> personally im fighting to stop myself searching for spoilers for 3x15 
> 
> my mind wants to know my heart wants to experience the episode fully so we said fuck heart lives and anyways ive seen things so that was a fail
> 
> i still believe 3x11 has been the best episode of 3b so far but marty im scared about the 3x19 synopsis 
> 
> anyways hope yall are well thank you for your support im just a trash monkey who loves magnus a lot heheh


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